Bruce A. Blitman Mediate

Think for a moment about the last time you were confronted by an angry client, a dissatisfied patient, or a disgruntled employee. How did you react? Did you attempt to reason with the other person and make them see why you were right? Did you give in immediately because the person made you nervous? Did you ignore the problem and hope it would go away? Did you say something you now regret?

The following technique for reacting to and resolving a dispute can be employed in a variety of situations with a great deal of success. Whether you are dealing with a client, a patient, or an employee, you will be surprised at how easily conflicts can be defused and resolved without you having to do much more than listen.

1. STOP: The first step of active listening is to stop whatever you are doing and avoid responding with the first thoughts that come to your head. For many of us overcoming our initial urge to respond immediately with, “Well, that’s not right,” “I did not,” “Look, I am the expert here,” or “You have to be kidding” can be quite difficult. Simply stop what you are doing and refrain from saying anything.

¬†2. LOOK: If this is a face-to-face encounter, it is important that you acknowledge the other person by establishing eye contact with him/her. By stopping what you are doing and looking at the other person you have acknowledged that his/her feelings and concerns are valid. You may not necessarily agree with him or her, but you are acknowledging that he/she has a right to feel a certain way. Remember to be careful not to “stare down” the other person. There is a fine line between establishing and maintaining eye contact and attempting to intimidate another person by staring at them and almost daring them to continue speaking.

3. LISTEN: For many of us, listening has become a lost art. We are so busy making decisions, giving instructions, dictating orders, and simply taliking that we have forgotten how to listen. Once you have “stopped” and “looked,” you are now prepared to listen. You should attempt to ascertain how the other people feel and why they feel that way. For example, are they expressing anger? Fear? Insulted? Feeling ignored? Can you tell why they feel that way? According to what they are saying, what happened that made them feel this way? What would they like you to do about it? If you can listen for the answers to these questions, you are well on your way to resolving the conflict in a positive manner before it escalates.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE:¬† It is important to acknowledge how other people feel and try to avoid challenging their reasoning for why they feel this way. You may or may not agree with the other person’s feelings or the reasons he/she gave for those feelings, but that is not the issue. You do not have to agree¬†with another person’s feelings to acknowledge them. For example, you should avoid making statements such as, “You have no right to feel that way,” or “You are always upset over something.” These statements will not help you resolve the conflict positively. Rather, you should acknowledge another person’s feelings by saying, “I can understand why you feel the way you do,” or “I appreciate how you are feeling. Being placed on hold for such a long period of time can be upsetting. I apologize,”¬†or “I would be upset too.”

5. SOLICIT/EMPOWER: Once you have acknowledged how others feel and you have acknowledged how others feel and you have acknowledged their reasons for having those feelings, you should solicit options for how they would like to see the situation resolved. By asking how he/she would resolve the conflict, you often force them to shift gears. No longer are they complaining; now they are forced to offer a solution to the problem. Depending on the situation, the options available for solving the dispute may be limited, but you should attempt to provide at least two alternatives to the status quo.

For example, let’s assume you are confronted with an angry client who feels that he was mistreated by a member of your staff. After acknowledging his feelings, empower him with options for resolving the dispute: “I can understand why you are so angry, I would be angry too if the same thing happened to me. How can I make this better? I will address this issue with my staff member and I apologize for our behavior. I hope this is alright.”

Once a persons feelings have been acknowledged as legitimate and he/she is presented with an opportunity to resolve the conflict, quite often this is sufficient to completely resolve the dispute. “Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt about it.”

6. ACT: Always follow through on the agreed upon resolution. If you have agreed to send a client a check within two weeks, be certain he/she receives it on time. If you have agreed to an additional meeting, make sure you do not cancel the meeting for something more important. If you promised to speak to a member of your staff, do so. If you fail to follow through with the agreed upon action, the conflict will not only remain unresolved, but will undoubtedly escalate and the trust upon which the relationship is built will deteriorate.

CONCLUSION: Like anything worthwhile in this world, active listening skills take time and effort to master. However, with hard work and practice, you can improve your active listening skills. Developing the fine art of listening can help you improve your personal and professional relationships. The next time you are confronted with an angry client, a dissatisfied patient, or a disgruntled employee, friend or family member, try using the six steps of active listening. You will be surprised at how easily conflicts can be defused and resolved without you having to do much more than listen.

This article, co-authored with my friend and colleague, Brian Schriner, Ph.D., a professor and director of the Speech and Communications Department at Florida International University (FIU) in Miami, was published in the November 1, 2006 issue of The Florida Bar News.